Funny Fish No.8

The Best Religion On Any Planet: Preston Loganism

Now don't get me wrong, I am a man of faith, but when thinking, as i am wont to do, I decided that whilst I believe in Jesus, I don't agree with everything he preached. Hence, I have converted to a brand spanking new religion, one that kicks serious ass and has two dead simple mantras.

PRESTON LOGANISM.

There is a prize for whoever gets the reference, but the two rules are as follows...

Be excellent to each other.

AND

Party on Dudes.

Fault if you will, but if in any situation you chose the path of excellence towards each other, no harm can happen.

In fact, here's a challenge. Fault it as a moral code. I DARE YOU.

By the way, the bit that Jesus said that I didn't like was

"judge not lest ye be judged."

If you are at fault, it should not matter what transgressions your accuser is guilty of. Morality should be and is, intensely personal, and regardless of others; how they are judged or compose themselves, if you are in the wrong you ARE WRONG, and should accept both the consequences of it and the need for change. 

So there. I am now a preston loganist. We have no desire to convert you, but are quite happy being excellent to everyone.

Bye bye.

xxx

Funny Fish No.7

Funny Fish No.6

Funny Fish No.5

Nauseating Everyday Item No. 1

Behold, the atrocity that haunts every day I spend at home, and one that mother's everywhere berate their children for not using. Especially after curry night. The Toilet Brush.

This is a deplorable piece of machinery, and one that makes me gag every time I even consider using it, yet for some reason, civilised society seems content to use it, to tell it, and even to need it. Massive fail.

The case for it's defence is one I can understand, and is highly seductive. When one has a wayward 'motion', lets call it that, a motion, one uses the above item to remove any evidence from the porcelain. This is in order to leave no trace of the more base necessities of the human condition, and looks nice. Sure, I can dig that. Was kinda just going to piss it off after a couple of beers, but whatever. 

But think about it, really think about it. This is a brush, a brush that sits in your bathroom ALL THE TIME, that you willingly wipe in shit. Wait, what? Yes, willingly wipe in shit. And then you just put it back? Excuse me, but i may not shower that often, and farting may be more a hobby than anything else, but that is disgusting.

So you wash this thing? Where? Where exactly is it OK to wash a toilet brush? Cause the only places i can think of would not get the job done. Its freaking rank.

My advice? Either be a dude or live with one, and challenge him to clean it away au natural. Much more hygienic. 

Funny Fish No.4

LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL

A massive thank you this week to the most wonderful football team in all of mainland Europe.... Hercules of the Spanish First Division. What wonderful people, for beating a team that employs and starts possibly the worst thing to happen to football since Titus Brambles dad bought enrolled him at the local club.

Xavi is a disgrace; he's a greasy bastard, a rude little fucker, and to top it all off, not actually that good at football.

Now, I know for a fact that more people than you think agree with these claims, especially the one about him being shite on a football pitch, but up until now its been quite a hard claim to vocalise, because it stands, seemingly in stark contrast to the facts.

And there are many many facts about Xavi, facts which show him to really be rather good. 

He NEVER gives away possession

He has an exceptional pass rate

Teams he plays in often win

And most damningly, for me at least, people who know lots about football, (Sr'Alex for one) all seem dead eager to suck him off. 

But facts are what you make of them, so lets go into detail....

Firstly, Xavi is a pussy on the football pitch. The reason he never gives away possession is because he never makes a daring play. This works too for his passing stats. He only ever passes backwards. watch him play, i dare you. He gets passes from the defence, and passes back to them. His stats are so good because there's no rick involved in the game he plays. None at all. He also never passes very far, its always about ten metres or so. He is a massive fanny, so terrified about rep that he takes zero risk, and I promise you he only looks good because he plays on a good team. World greats would make any team better, any team at all if they join, but not him. Blackburn would still be blackburn, and Xavi is nothing more than a polished turd.

Lets elaborate. 

Football is about goals, pouring forward, taking risks, and taking a fucking shot every now and again, and Xavi epitomises a mindset that stands firmly against this. Him and his lot over at Barcccedlllooooooooooonha all wax lyrical about how they honour the beautiful game by play passing loads, and playing keep the ball, but I disagree. Passing alone is not the spirit of the game, and I do not watch football to watch an exercise in possession. I want daring, speed, and power, and more importantly, I want the players to want to score EVERY TIME they get the ball. Xavi does not do this, and in actual fact he reputation has made him worse.

He's so concerned with being flawless that he actually cost Barcelona a champions league final place.

Does anyone else remember? Against Inter, at the Nou Camp, he ambles into the box midway through the second half, lines up to shoot, and pussies out....... instead he passes. Any decent midfielder in the world would have shot had they been in that position, and one as supposedly as good a s he is would have scored, but no. Not Xavi. You could actually see it too, in that one instant, the pressure of manning up, of seizing responsibilty, and simultaneous embracing the fact that he could potentially disappoint people was too much for him, and he crumbled.

So no. Xavi is not good. All he does is pass backwards, pussy out and bore me.

AND... AND ... AND, he is a total wanker too. If and when you're good, you don't say it, you let others say it. It's called modesty, you dumb fuck.

He's arrogant as hell. Now don't get me wrong, arsenal aren't perfect, but I'm fairly certain they've been good, really good, to good old Cesc, and to bad mouth them like that is neither right, nor good, nor decent. Just because you think you're brilliant, don't just start slagging others off. (Derbies are a different thing, I'm not ignorant enough to want to foster a new era of love between real and barcelona)

And he's greasy. Too greasy. Shower once in a while.

I leave you with this to ponder on

would you trust him with your wife? I used to judge JT by this stick way back when, and look how that turned out. 

Funny Fish. No. 3

Spider-man: The world's worst superhero?

Now this isn't just aimed at the third film, where good old Tobey becomes so cringe-worthy that he makes Richard Curtis look like a purveyor of serious drama.... If you remember it he was 'laddish' enough to tear up a bar by swing-dancing..... in fact, this isn't aimed at the films at all.

Its aimed at the source material, and the original comic book spider-man. Atomic spider bites shit teen who then becomes good at climbing. With only a passing knowledge of any comic books I can safely say that Spider-man is without a doubt the worst super-hero EVER.

The facts here are simple.

In the films, Spidey has a 'web' ability, whereas in the comics he does not. his primary superpower therefore is...wait for it... that he's quite a good climber. Wow, sign me up to that.

He manufactures a bloody web-substitute to make him more spider-like. Honestly, if you've got the brains to  that, why not pick something practical. Literally anything would be better here. A freeze gun.... sure, scientifically impossible, but this is a half man half spider whose genetic code re-wrote itself over night, so that ship has sailed. Why not a gun, or if travel is the issue, why not just build a fucking micro-copter or something.

Simply put, this is a guy so enamoured with his slightly better climbing skills that he's convinced that arachnids are the way to go. If he's a role model, the only lesson here is to be fully retarded.

All this has the potential to distract from the other MASSIVE flaw: Spider-man can't travel. its hard to imagine him swinging through town in Edinburgh, it'd take fucking ages to get anywhere, or in fact ANYWHERE at all in the countryside, cause he'd have to run everywhere. He doesn't even have pockets for a mobile phone, so calling a cab, or the 5-0, would be impossible. He's limited to New York, which, when put in world context, makes me more helpful as a superhero than he is. Phone-Boy, I call the police from a reasonable distance whilst not getting involve.

Should've built that micro copter mate. Much better idea.

Fucking Parker eh?

Funny Fish. No. 2

Inception: Seven shades of balls

Inception. Impressive? Sure, but not for the reasons you think. The phenomenon that fell out of good old Chris Nolan's rectum and swept the nation has been impressive, but only for the simple fact that it convinced so many people that it isn't an absolute pile of wank. 

Trust me on this one. inception is a terrible film, and here's why:

Firstly, don't think that the obvious plus points have been overlooked, because they haven't. It is visually stunning, very well acted, and the idea, the basis, is awesome. But these do not a good film make. 

Being visually stunning is fine if all you want to do is root footballers, or impress a retard baby, but this was trying be a thinking man's blockbuster, a new age showstopper. So, the image had to be supported by intellect. Which it was not. 

Breaking inception down simply makes this easier to understand, as i can hear the chorus of boos manifesting already. 

Inception is not a film about the subconscious, this is merely the setting. Woody A sets his films in New York,    Star Wars is set in space, and Inception is set in the mind. But we do not judge a painting by its canvas, and we should not judge Nolan's creation on ins setting. Especially one that stopped being original in the 60's.  

What the film is about is a robbery, or rather an inverted robbery, and this is where it becomes fully retarded. It is a fully terrible heist film.

1.Planning.  If 'inception' is so difficult, why do they come up for the idea of how to do it in ONE meeting? i'll paraphrase.

'how are we going to do it?''errr, i dunno, maybe, get his dad to tell him?'

'perfect'

For something that's meant to be basically impossible, that was far to freaking easy. DID YOU EVEN READ THE SCRIPT NOLAN?

Any good heist film has a good plan. This one was so concerned with bending the ground it forgot about it, evidently.

2. The actual heist itself. Again, for something so difficult, it was far to easy. The only difficult bit was the minions that appeared to protect the main enemy dude. AND THEY WEREN'T EVEN MEANT TO BE THERE. Without them, there was NO fucking challenge. None. Again, don't tell me something is difficult when it clearly isn't. If something isn't hard. why am I watching a film about it? (Lad)

3. That whole time thing was clearly unplanned bullcrap. So each level extends the passage of time. I didn't carry a watch, but it definitely didn't match up. That car fell off the bridge for as long as all the other bits put together. Horseshit, and the consistency of Custard. Call me crazy, but if you set up a premise, I expect you to at least stick with it.

Failing as a basically coherent, well-thought out heist film isn't the only problem with this turd masquerading as a diamond, there are innumerate other flaws. The ones that really got me are listed below.

It was probably inspired by some book with the entirely flatulent title 'psychology for dummies'. Sure, lets try and filmicly represent the subconscious. Lets do it by just having four levels. Where physics is slightly wacky. WOW. NAAAAAAAT. Freud is rolling in his grave. Anyone with even the slightest bit of education could've done it better, and anyone who even knows a tiny bit about the human mind would know that any level past the first one would be far more nuts, and wholly irrational. Fairly certain mine would have an awesomely cool dad/horse/dolphin cruising round being hilariously racist. 

It had fucking Juno in it. The weird foetus/woman who stole two hours of my life moaning about emotions during pregnancy. And then someone pulls her. fairly certain there's a law against that. 

It ends with the a laughable piss-take of DALLAS. And anyone spoofing that should be shot.

Simply put, thanks but no thanks. I'd watch Toy Story 3 any day. 

Funny Fish. No. 1