Funny Fish No. 11

Secretly Brilliant Things - Battery Farmed Chickens.

This week, I'd like to inform the world about how brilliant battery farmed chicken is, and contrary to popular belief, why its perfectly morally acceptable to eat it.

so, firstly, why is it so good?

check this, they put so much water in them to bring up the weight, its impossible to over cook them. Leave it in 15 minutes too long and it makes no difference, its still moist as anything in them middle. Gone are the days of precise cooking when battery chickens are in play.... and in are the days where one more game of fifa is not such a bad idea after all.


So, a blessing to us apathetic chefs, but to many this isn't enough. There are those out there who care about the feelings of our poor feathered delicious friends. We'll call them lonely people, and/or lesbians, but for some reason they think keeping poultry in these sort of environments is a bad thing. I say, not in the long run, if you think about it.

check this. Science now means we can rear a bird to eatable levels in 21 days, meaning the misery is shortened, and further more and most importantly, i promise you a bird in that condition wants to die. And therein lies the rub. You wont find a free range hen, with fields and a decent bed who longs for death, but battery farmed chickens pray for it every day. See, i'm really doing them a favour.


See, simples. Battery farmed chickens are brilliant. Volia.

Funny Fish No. 10

Flaws in things you like: Harry Potter

This week, the internet has been awash with news of the sale of JK Rowlings manuscripty for one of her books. By awash, I naturally mean that I read about it once and it stuck. But that's not the point. The point is, simply, that everyone has waxed lyrical about how well thought through the books were, and how detailed the prep was for the world of potter and chums.

Well, call me crazy, cause whislt I loved Harry; I wrote my dissertation on him and stayed up till midnight to buy both numbers 6 and 7, detailed and well thought out are not words that I would use to describe the franchise.  

In fact, whilst JK is obviously a genius, she is also a massive ideas thief who lacked a whole lot of common sense.

I can hear the cries of indifference from here, but for fear of boring you all to death, below are all the faults in HP.

1) This may not really count, but JK-R's decision to edit her own novels has to be one of the worst in history. they went from being, compact, neat and delightfully subtle to a terrible mismash of appallingly rendered dialogue and boring over description. She co-edited number four, then had total autonomy over the last three. Seriousl, think about it.... what would have read as

"Harry, Ron and Hermoine all greeted each other warmly"

changed to

" "Hello Ron" said Harry

 "Hello Harry" said Ron

 "Hello Hermione" said Harry

 "Hello Harry" said Hermione

 "hello Ron" said Hermione

"Hello Hermione" Said Ron"

See? SEE? Dire. Just cause you thought it, doesn't make you the best person to polich it. Thanks a lot Rowling. Thanks to you I've probably read 10,000 more words than i needed to. THANKS A LOT.

2) Did any-one else think Harry is a total fanny when it comes to women? Well, you should've. This is a man/boy idolised by a generation, and all he can do is score one lousy kiss with cho before hounding his best mates sister? That, my friends, is WIERD. You can read this two ways. Either he's a LAD trying to root his best mates sister, which is kind of funny, but then there's a paradox cause he is useless with women. Seriously, ONE KISS before the women he marries? ANTI-LAD surely? Paradox there, and thus an impossible reading. The other is that he's got principles, which makes him nice, but then going after Ginny makes him a DICK. Seriously, get some freaking consistency.

3) The Wizarding world makes absolutely ZERO sense.

Where oh where to begin in this one.

There is clearly only one school. Inferred by the schools involved in the Tri-Wizard tournament, the lack of sports matches, and the fact that all wizard familys send their kids to the same school.

So, one school, roughly 560 kids. 20 kids per year per house, four houses, seven years. Maths, Dickeheads. If you trible this to get an accurate view of generations, then divide it by two, to account for a generous 2.4 kids per family, then that gives roughly 700. Account for muggle borns and you only have 600, thats SIX HUNDRED wizarding familys.

EVEN tripling this, there is still no need for a ministry of magic.... they could all just live in hogsmeade.

It also means the ministry makes NO SENSE. why is it so large if the population is so small? And is it also the only area of employment outside of shop/inn kepper, quidditch player, and rockstar? Oh yeah, journalist. Sorry.

Whilst the world of hogwarts, and the plot, all make senese, the wider setting has had no thought put into it WHATSOEVER.

3) Educational standards. Why, just cause they're wizards, do they not need basic writing and reading skills. Or maths skills? No English or maths classes? Horsecrap. AND no uni? Bollocks. Inconsistent again my friend.

4) Did anyone notice that if Harry hadn't turned up to the mirro in book one, Voldemort would have NEVER got the stone?

5) If Dumbledore is so awesome, how come he, or no-one else, knew about the MASSIVE cavern where the chamber of secrets was? Any basic muggle surveyor would have spotted it. 

6) Dumbledore makes no sense. Supposedly the best/most clever wizard in his generation, he misses basic points. LIKE A HORCRUX BEING IN HIS SCHOOL. OR THAT IT HAS SLAVES. Or that moody wasn't actually moody. or that that Lockheart was actaully want at being a wizard. OR that voldermort was ON THE BACK OF SOMEONES HEAD FOR A YEAR!

7) How come the wizard duelling switchy thing that basically saves the day doesn't apply in the OTHER six books? 

So, its good, i'll admit, but its not perfect, and often makes no sense whatsoever.

PS, just cause JK-R said that she always 'saw dumbledore as being gay' doesn't make him gay. Its either in the books or its not.

And I promise you, nowhere in the books is there any reference whatsoever to Dumbledores sexuality. Therefore, he's not gay. FACT 

John O'Shea: World Great/Gay Rights Activist

He's a fact for you.... Good old Jonny has done more for gay rights in the last 10 years than any other professional athlete, simply by being awesome. He came out aged 17, and since then he's played in EVERY position for United. Every Single One. In goal, he didn't even concede. Midfield? SUre, both attacking and defensive. SS? Not even an issue, he'll probabaly score too. What a lad. In terms of breaking down barriers, he's running through them quicker than that episode of Takeshis castle where they let the incredible hulk compete.

Don't believe me? Look it up. He dated Will Young for 18 months, Roy Keane wouldn't shower with him, and Arsene Wenger couldn't sign him because it would make things 'complicated'.

All I can say is... Good on you Jonny, keep it up

Funny Fish No. 9

Meet me halfway.....

Ha, us men right? Always been useless and whatnot. Like when we fart and stuff, and Mexican showering instead of regular showering. Lucky we're so loveable, otherwise we'd be in trouble.

Wrong.

Its called equality bitches, and too long have we suffered under the yolk of oppression, or as I like to call it the hangover of success. Allow me to explain...

Because for so so so long it was a mans world, and for so so so long those of us blessed with a good three inches hanging low were at a distinct advantage, it has been socialy acceptable, in fact, scratch that... a social requistite to stereotype Men. Furthermore, we suffer under insane social practices like standing up when ANYONE NEW enters a room, ALWAYS getting the first round in, and he's the kicker, that heavy manual labour is deemed our responisibility. Alright, I'll accpet that fact that for a while we were cool with it, 'cause, you know, we could vote and stuff, but all is square again, so I'm drawning a line.

That line is the toilet seat.

For years, if a man wanted to pee as God intended, he was required to lift the seat up. Then, THEN, when done, to be nice, and clean, and NON-MANLY, he had to put it down again! TWO seperate jobs? All for a piss? NO THANK YOU.

Tell you what.  If I want to pee standing up, i'm more than happy to lift the seat. But if you want to sit down, is it too much to ask that you do the equivilant job? If we're all equals here, how come I have to do both?

Remember, just cause it's socially acceptable doesn't make it right. Be the Ghandi of the modern toitlet sharing world, think about it, and realise i'm right.

That is all.